


What Arthur found out?

by viflow



Series: ARTHUR'S SECRET [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angry Merlin, Angst, Arthur is a dickhead, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Emotional Hurt, Hurt Merlin, M/M, POV Arthur, Pining Arthur, Season 4 episode 7 related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 03:35:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8234698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viflow/pseuds/viflow
Summary: ‘’Merlin!’’ Arthur roared, his voice harsh and sharp like a whip. Because he was fucking frustrated and tired, and he felt wretched and Merlin was skirting dangerously close to cross the line.Then he saw Merlin flinch and swallow hard- as if Arthur'd struck him, and it was enough to temper Arthur's ire. He didn't want to hurt him. Christ! Hurting him was the last thing he ever wanted to do. He Loved him. His voice transformed rapidly from furious into something intense and serious and tender and he said softly. ‘’I’ve had my heart broken enough already today. I don’t want to lose another friend."





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've recently watched this episode and it made me really angry what a big ass Arthur was with Merlin and Gaius. Thought to make him suffer a bit... Maybe not for long. Hasn't decided it yet....  
> Merlin and it's characters as well the dialogs in this fic belong to the BBC.

Arthur groans deeply and leans forward to rest his head on the cool panes of the window’s glass in his chamber. Clenching his fists over the window’s pane, he looks out at the cold, dark courtyard. 

 

He doesn’t want to think about him. He won’t think about him. And this is exactly why he can’t stop thinking about him.

Arthur has been thinking about Merlin almost constantly, he is a continuous presence on his mind. It's hard for him to focus on council matters and the training of the knights, when all he can think about is Merlin.

He couldn’t stop picturing his tearful eyes the last time he’d seen him. His face: filled with hurt, anger and disappointment. He couldn’t stop thinking about his choked, broken voice.

MERLIN. MERLIN. MERLIN. It’s all he ever seems able to think about.

Merlin, who didn’t come back with Gwaine after rescuing Gaius. Merlin, who went away because couldn’t bear the sight of Arthur. Merlin, who left him, because Arthur betrayed his trust and loyalty. Merlin. Oh, Damn him.

He feels the familiar mix of anger and guilt stirring inside him, overriding the nagging numbness and emptiness, which has been persistently there in his heart- since that wretched day.

And he couldn’t stop his mind from replaying that scene over and over again.

 

Arthur had been dreading that moment. He had known that Merlin would react badly to the accusation of Gaius. He knew Merlin well enough to know that he wouldn’t just let it go and accept it without a fight. He expected shouting and raging. And he hoped Merlin would be able to get over his anger and hurt and he’d understand.

But he’s never thought of anything like this. Nothing like this.  
And he’s never thought to see Merlin like that. Never like that.

 *****************

_‘’Gaius is The Traitor.’’ Aggravaine declared with emphasis in his voice._

_Arthur sent a quick look at Merlin. He knew how much Merlin loved Gaius. He knew Merlin must be pissed like hell and knew how much it must have hurt Merlin to listen to Agravaine’s accusations._

_Merlin’s face was tight, his jaw clenched with anger._

_Arthur prayed for Merlin to keep his big mouth shut. Because on top of everything what happened that day, he didn’t want to put Merlin into the stock for insolence. But thankfully, with his hands clenched together behind his back, Merlin seemed to keep a tight lid on his anger and didn’t say a word. Not while Agravaine was present in the room._

_‘’ I’ll send out search parties as soon as possible.’’ Agravaine offered enthusiastically._

_‘’No. Let him run.’’ Arthur said quickly. Because, even if Gaius was really a traitor,( a fact; Arthur found hard to believe) he couldn’t bear the thought of executing him._

_‘’As you wish sir.’’ Agravaine answered with a bow and turned to leave the room._

_As soon as Agraivane turned his back, Arthur’s eyes darted towards Merlin and he kept his searching gaze on Merlin’s face._

_But Merlin refused to look at him. He stood there stock-still, his face static as his eyes were transfixed motionless on a point before him. Like the perfect, invisible servant he schould be. The one--he's never been, and the one--Arthur's never wanted him to be._

_It was foreign and there was something very... very wrong._

_Coldness sunk to the pit of Arthur's stomach, sending chills throughout his body, and an irrational edge of panic flared inside him._

_‘’How can you believe this?’’ Merlin asked as soon as the door closed behind Agravaine._

_Arthur was taken aback by the thick accusation, pain and disappointment in Merlin’s voice. He swallowed hard as guilt griped his heart and he felt a lump forming in his throat. He had to look away, he couldn’t bear the sight of Merlin’s pale, hurt face, the stiffness in his shoulders. His whole body rigid: taut with tension._

_Arthur felt sick and something twisted in his gut as regret trickled through him._

_Because he was the cause of that. He was the one who put Merlin in this misery._

_He averted his eyes and dropped them down towards the table; he closed them for a moment and took a deep breath. When he looked up again, he focused his eyes on Merlin's face, and he couldn’t quite manage to keep out the despair from his voice when he finally answered Merlin's question._

_‘’I know how you must feel. We questioned him. He’s been consorting with sorceress. He more or less admitted to it.’’_

_’’ And… that.... makes him a traitor?’’ Merlin asked with heated voice, his face hardened._

_’’Why run if he had nothing to hide?’’ Arthur asked, almost pleading, with a great deal of wretchedness in his voice. He desperately needed Merlin to understand the decision he had to make._

_’’He’s given his life to this kingdom. He’d never betray you.’’ Merlin pointed out , his face became paler with every second.....and it was very- very taut, and hard, and serious._

_It didn’t look right on him._

_Not on his Merlin…._

_And he still wasn't looking at him…_

_Arthur could feel Merlin slipping away from him. He gulped hard to swallow down the knot that rose into his throat, and told himself that there was no reason for the dread that's started to fill his chest. No reason at all. Merlin will understand. He is going to get over it. He is going to forgive Arthur as he always does. Because that was what they did for each other. Forgave the liberties, the insults, the mockerys, the tresspassings.....every bloody faults in the other's character._

_He will not lose Merlin._

_His next words were forced through a constriction in his throat. ’’Then explain his actions!’’_

_And for the first time this evening Merlin turned his head at that, and he bored his red-rimmed, unblinking, steely eyes into Arthur’s. ’’Aha,’’ he snapped, his eyes watering, and the ever resident light in his eyes for Arthur has been dimed out of them. His beautiful, dark blue eyes were lifeless as he was searching Arthur’s face for a moment before he blurted out with pure conviction. ’’They are lies. Gaius’d never run off in the night.’’_

_Arthur broke the eye contact and bowed his head. He squeezed his eyes shut on a hard wince as the sting of guilt returned._

_He opened his mouth again, willing to say the words that will wipe away that look on Merlin's face. There was so much grief, pain, heartache, agony and anger in Merlin expression and is his voice that Arthur couldn’t endure it… A desperate need surged through him, pushing forth from inside- urging him to do something- anything, to soothe Merlin, to chase away the pain._

_He gripped the arms of his chair tightly. He took in and out a long, steadying breath, trying to push back all the emotions which wanted to break free._

_When he looked up again his eyes were filled with concern and sympathy, and there was an unguarded tenderness in his expression. But his tone belied the emotions on his face, as he managed to school his voice into a distant, contained tone when he said._

_'‘Look! I know it’s hard. No breakings were reported. His possessions are missing. A horse has been stolen--’’_

_‘’He won’t leave without saying goodbye to me!’’ Merlin cut in. His voice broke in the end, a small choking voice escaped his mouth, his lips quivered and his blue eyes shone with tears before he snapped his head away. Away from Arthur._

_Arthur felt as if he's been stabbed: a piercing pain gripped his stomach, his heart leaped into his throat, and for seconds he couldn’t breathe properly._

_Merlin was crying. His lively, cheerful, happy Merlin was crying. And it was his fault. He made Merlin cry._

_He felt overwhelmed with the affection and love he felt for Merlin. He had a sudden, primal urge to cross over and take Merlin in his arms. He wanted to hold him and comfort him. He ached to touch and smooth away the tears. He wanted to kiss away the hurt on Merlin’s delicate face until Merlin would smile again, and he would look at him with his beautiful, bright, private, Arthurs’s smile. He wanted to give up his Kingdom and wanted to lay the whole world at Merlin's feet if it would have made him smile again._

_A chill ran through him. NO. NO. NO. Arthur’s inner voice cut through the haze of his emotions. Because it terrified him: all the things he wanted to do for Merlin.... He clenched his fingers so hard it broke the skin in his palm--against how much he wanted to – Oh, Damn it all to hell -- just give in._

_The want in his chest has been there for nine years. He'd spent the last nine years trying to ignore his feelings for Merlin. Actually, he’s become very good at that. Because he knew if he would let his emotions for Merlin free, it would flood out from him and it would destroy every reason which stood in its way._

_It was not a path he could afford to travel. He had duties to Camelot. He needed to marry. Camelot needed an heir. Merlin was a man._

_So, he pushed back all the emotions swirling inside him, because by now, he’d really become quite an expert in that. He swallowed them down in his throat, took in a few slow, deep breaths as he shifted his attention on Merlin’s face again._

_‘’ Agravaine has made this story up.’’ Merlin cried, and he was severely overstepping his boundaries, but no longer seemed to care. His face still turned away from Arthur, he was stubbornly looking toward the door._

_Arthurs swallowed, his voice was gentle and he sounded resigned in his reply. ‘’ I shall ignore that last comment.’’_

_‘’Because he is your uncle. You vill not see him for who he really is.’’ Merlin snapped back with an equal measure of hurt, agony and anger in his voice._

_‘’Merlin!’’ Arthur roared, his voice harsh and sharp like a whip. Because he was fucking frustrated and tired, and he felt wretched and Merlin was skirting dangerously close to cross the line._

_Then he saw Merlin flinch and swallow hard--as if Arthur'd struck him, and it was enough to temper Arthur's ire. He didn't want to hurt him. Christ, hurting him was the last thing he ever wanted to do! HE LOVED HIM._

_His voice transformed rapidly from furious into something intense and serious and tender, and he said softly. ‘’ I’ve had my heart broken enough already today. I don’t want to lose another friend.’’_

_His hands came up and he made a gesture that fell somewhere between pleading and demanding._

_He wanted, No, he needed Merlin to look at him. He ached to reach His Merlin, to break through this cool, distant, taut and rigid person who stood there unmoving, unresponsive ._

_But Merlin didn’t turn his head. He refused to look at him. Like he couldn’t bear the sight of him. He could have been a statue, carved from stone and hurt and grief. A beautiful, cold…tearful statue._

_And it stung. Merlin always believed in him. More than he deserved. More than he believed in himself. He could count on that belief._

_Arthur couldn’t take his eyes off Merlin. He was glaring at Merlin’s stiff, too pale, stubborn face. The way he just stood there, perfectly frozen. He had never reacted to him like this before. Irritation mounted inside Arthur, mixing with resentment at Merlin's unmovig, rejective posture. The longer he looked and the longer Merlin kept his head turned away from him, the stronger the need to lash out grew inside him._

_Something snapped in him._

_Arthur was blindsided with the many conflicting emotions twisting inside his chest, wanting to burst out._

_A rush of anger boiled Arthur's blood. All his pent-up emotions during the night suddenly breaking loose: unleashing a shimmering rage inside him._

_How dare Merlin ignore him?! How dare he behave in such an insolent, withering manner?! How dare he question his decisions?! How dare he condemn him?_

_He was the bloody King of Camelot. Even if that meant nothing to his fucking manservant._

_Arthur's face hardened, his jaw tightened as his temple throbbed furiously. He narrowed his eyes and a tight, determined curl spread his lips as he stood up abruptly, straightening himself into the posture of a Regal dignity. A second later he was every bit the haughty, cool, unapproachable and businesslike King of Camelot again._

_His eyes never left Merlin's face as he grabbed the book up from the table and with long, angry steps strode towards him. His voice was distant and battlefield- commanding while he showed the book up as the ultimate proof._

_‘’Gaius's condemned himself.’’  He slammed the book down hard on the table. ’’It’s no more to be said.’’ He snapped with harsh, imperative and cold finality, and stormed out of the room._

 

And it was the last time he saw Merlin.

Because Arthur betrayed him again, dismissed him again, stepped over him again.

And he misses him. He feels like half of his body have been torn out, and he doesn't know just how much longer he can go on without his other half.......


End file.
